Patterson Confesses Again ... and Again

For the third time in only a few weeks, New York Governor David Patterson has appeared before the press to confess his personal failings. This time, the governor revealed that he is a lifelong kleptomaniac.
Mr. Patterson's latest press conference took place on the steps of St. John the Divine in Harlem, where he appeared wearing a burlap sack and with his head covered in ashes from the fireplace in the governor's mansion. Behind him was a sizable pile of mismatched baggage. Mr. Patterson stated that the bags were filled with items that he had taken over the years, mostly from hotels and restaurants. "I just couldn't help myself", he cried in an agonized voice. "I hope the voters can forgive me". Reporters who inspected the bags found that they were, indeed, mostly filled with towels, bathrobes and ashtrays, with a smattering of table linens and dinnerware. There was also a thirty-gallon trash can filled with old newspapers, which Mr. Patterson said had been taken from his neighbors' front porches. Intriguing, but unexplained, were a few odd items: a g-string, a woman's wig, and a set of false teeth. Mr. Patterson said that the luggage also had been stolen, from airport carousels. "I got them right out from under the owners' noses," Patterson boasted. "I must have been in it for the thrill."
After ending the conference, Mr. Patterson returned twice more, once to confess that he had sold steroids to most of the New York Yankees, and again to admit that as a child, he had often spent his lunch money on penny candy. Aides prevented him from returning a third time, but as they bundled him into his limo, he was heard shouting that he sometimes walked his dog without a pooper scooper.
A lawyer, a psychiatrist and a rabbi, neighbors of Mr. Patterson who agreed to comment, seemed nonplussed at the revelations. "I wonder if a judge can just force him to take the Fifth Amendment," mused the lawyer, while the psychiatrist suggested that, regularly taken, large doses of thorazine might help. "Either that, or a good dope slap," the psychiatrist added. The Rabbi, meanwhile, excused himself, saying he had to go over to the synagogue to see if anything was missing.

Fed Cuts Prime to Minus 2

In a bold move designed to stimulate the economy, stem the growing tide of mortgage defaults and forestall runs on investment banks, the Federal Reserve has cut the prime lending rate to minus two. In effect, anyone who borrows money from now on will be getting paid by the U.S. Government.

Ben Bernanke, the Fed chairman who replaced Alan Greenspan, explained that there was no other way to convince banks to get back into the lending business. "The problem with keeping the rate above zero is that you still need to have banks that are willing to lend money." Under this scheme, Bernanke said, "Banks can afford to pay customers one percent on any loan they take out, while the Federal Reserve will pay the banks two percent. Everybody gets a little love." Bernanke pointed out that variable interest rate loans would automatically begin paying interest to home owners as soon as the loans were due to reset. "But there's no reason to wait for it to happen. My advice to Americans is, 'go out now and borrow a bundle.'"

Supporting Bernanke's "win-win" argument, Treasury Secretary Paulson stated that the Fed's move would also take care of any problems in the job market. "From now on, no one has to worry about their job going overseas. In fact, nobody even needs a job any more. All you need to do is figure out how much money you'd like to earn and take out a loan for one hundred times that amount each year. Fifty percent of Americans could probably do the math in their heads."

Paulson admitted that repayment of the principle was still a sticky issue, but said that in all likelihood banks would have to repay customers who borrowed money rather than the other way around. "If it's a positive rate, the customer pays interest and repays the loan. So if it's a negative rate, the bank has to pay. That's just logic." Asked by skeptical reporters if the plan might not lead to greater inflation, Paulson cranked his arm like someone operating an old-fashioned printing press and said, “Clickety-clack."

Among administration officials, only President Bush seemed to cast doubt on some aspects of the plan. "People who take out a loan like this on their house might lose their mortgage deduction, see, 'cause the loan is actually kinda like income." On the other hand, the President thought that by borrowing really huge amounts of money, ordinary citizens could make it into the top income bracket and thus lower their taxes.

Geraldine Ferraro Calls Patterson “Lucky”

Immediately after stepping aside from her role in the Clinton campaign so she could continue to express herself freely, Geraldine Ferraro has called David Patterson, Elliot Spitzer’s replacement as Governor of New York, lucky to be both black and a blind man. Speaking to a reporter for the “Stars and Bars Shopper”, a small Florida panhandle weekly, Ms. Ferraro is quoted as saying, “I mean, black and blind both! How lucky can you get? It’s the only reason a guy like that is now governor of New York. If he had 20/20 vision and was white, he’d probably be stuck being an airline pilot.” Asked to amplify her remarks, Ferraro would say only that “If Mr. Patterson had been gay, it would have been like hitting the trifecta”.
Ms. Ferraro denied that her remarks were either racist or insensitive, citing as evidence her collection of Stevie Wonder recordings and her own history of personal handicaps. “Don’t try to say that I am lacking in sympathy for the less fortunate. As I have shown on many occasions, I myself am both tone-deaf and short-sighted”. Ferraro emphasized that she was no longer speaking as an official in the Clinton Campaign. “It’s my foot and my mouth. I’ll put ‘em where I please.”. A Clinton representative, asked to comment on Ms. Ferraro’s decision to step down, expressed regret that she would no longer assist with the campaign. “Geraldine helped Walter Mondale to win Minnesota in the 1984 presidential race, and later he went on to be ambassador to Japan. We were hoping that she could be at least as useful to us this time around”.