Patterson Confesses Again ... and Again

For the third time in only a few weeks, New York Governor David Patterson has appeared before the press to confess his personal failings. This time, the governor revealed that he is a lifelong kleptomaniac.
Mr. Patterson's latest press conference took place on the steps of St. John the Divine in Harlem, where he appeared wearing a burlap sack and with his head covered in ashes from the fireplace in the governor's mansion. Behind him was a sizable pile of mismatched baggage. Mr. Patterson stated that the bags were filled with items that he had taken over the years, mostly from hotels and restaurants. "I just couldn't help myself", he cried in an agonized voice. "I hope the voters can forgive me". Reporters who inspected the bags found that they were, indeed, mostly filled with towels, bathrobes and ashtrays, with a smattering of table linens and dinnerware. There was also a thirty-gallon trash can filled with old newspapers, which Mr. Patterson said had been taken from his neighbors' front porches. Intriguing, but unexplained, were a few odd items: a g-string, a woman's wig, and a set of false teeth. Mr. Patterson said that the luggage also had been stolen, from airport carousels. "I got them right out from under the owners' noses," Patterson boasted. "I must have been in it for the thrill."
After ending the conference, Mr. Patterson returned twice more, once to confess that he had sold steroids to most of the New York Yankees, and again to admit that as a child, he had often spent his lunch money on penny candy. Aides prevented him from returning a third time, but as they bundled him into his limo, he was heard shouting that he sometimes walked his dog without a pooper scooper.
A lawyer, a psychiatrist and a rabbi, neighbors of Mr. Patterson who agreed to comment, seemed nonplussed at the revelations. "I wonder if a judge can just force him to take the Fifth Amendment," mused the lawyer, while the psychiatrist suggested that, regularly taken, large doses of thorazine might help. "Either that, or a good dope slap," the psychiatrist added. The Rabbi, meanwhile, excused himself, saying he had to go over to the synagogue to see if anything was missing.