Pervez Takes It Off

In a ceremony that amazed both supporters and detractors, President Pervez Musharraf bared all as he removed his general’s uniform by performing a strip tease before a cheering mass of soldiers in Lahore. The general has said that his uniform was like a second skin, and he proved it as he took it off, piece by piece.
The ceremony, already unusual because it was open to the public, began conventionally enough as a Pakistani Army Band in kilts played “Auld Lang Syne” on bagpipes, followed by the Lahore Bell Choir’s interpretation of Baluchi folk favorites. And when Mr. Musharraf stepped up to make a few remarks, no one expected anything but the usual valediction. But Musharraf first stunned, then wowed the crowd as he winked at the band, then launched into a roaring and well-rehearsed rendition of “Let Me Entertain You”.
He started by peeling off first one long silk glove, then the other, then turned his back to the crowd of soldiers and removed his ascot as he sang over his shoulder. The audience of enlisted men whistled and stamped their feet as Mr. Musharraf removed his army jodhpurs, then produced a butane lighter and set fire to them, in an obvious dig at Hillary Clinton’s asbestos pantsuit. Musharraf showed real mastery of the technique as he whirled each garment around his head, then tossed it to the screaming front row of hand-picked officers. When he got down to a tiny black speedo and cavalry boots, the troops began to wave dollar bills, and Mr. Musharraf pranced at the front of the stage so they could tuck them in anywhere they would fit. But at the very end, they were disappointed when Mr. Musharraf would not go any farther, despite raucous shouts of “show us your baton ”.
Around the world, not everyone was as pleased with Mr. Musharraf’s performance as the troops. Muslim leaders and Mitt Romney expressed sharp disapproval, with Mr. Romney calling the display “disgraceful” and calling for Musharraf to resign his generalship. Informed that Musharraf had resigned his generalship, Romney blinked and began muttering “sanctuary cities” over and over again. But North Korea’s Kim Jong Il said that he would offer Musharraf a starring role in his new musical about a successful tractor factory.

Pants on Fire

President Musharraf has accused the United States of duplicity in urging him to take off his uniform at a time when Hillary Clinton is boasting that she wears an asbestos pants suit. “The U.S. wants to strip me of my clothing while allowing its citizens the latest fashions. It’s a typical example of Western hypocrisy”, Musharraf complained. General Musharraf also hinted darkly that Pakistan may have to develop its own asbestos pantsuit program if the West will not share the technology.
This setback occurred just as Assistant Secretary of State John Negroponte has wrapped up a productive visit to Pakistan, where he worked out a compromise in which Musharraf agreed to change into a cricket uniform as long as Benazir Bhutto would wear her girls’ field hockey kit, and allow Musharraf to spank her. In a phone conversation, a State Department spokesman suggested that Mrs. Clinton was interfering “in an unproductive way” in a tense situation. “This throws all of our delicate negotiations with President Musharraf into a cocked hat”, said the spokesman. “Musharraf was already pretty envious because he heard that Rudy Giuliani looked good in a dress.” Later, the spokesman called back and asked to take back the reference to a “cocked hat”.
An analyst for the Brookings Institution explained that the sudden mention of an asbestos pantsuit may have put Mr. Musharraf in a difficult position with his own military, who have been pestering him to obtain new uniforms so they can look nice while beating up pro-democracy lawyers. “The security forces feel that we ought to reward them for not catching Osama Bin Laden until after the 2008 elections. Meanwhile, we keep fobbing them off with advanced fighters and surface-to-air missiles.” The analyst went on to say that Musharraf’s threat to develop his own pantsuit line was, in all likelihood, purely for domestic consumption. “They’re bluffing on that one. He just has to placate his generals.” A technical source at the Pentagon agreed that Pakistan is years away from developing sophisticated clothing. “They don’t even have the patterns for culottes,” the source reported.
Returning from an extended Texas vacation and on his way to a long weekend at Camp David, President Bush seemed to be growing impatient with Pakistan’s prolonged difficulties. Asked if there was a “sartorial crisis”, the President replied that everything was fine in Sartoria, but Pakistan was a mess. “President Musharraf needs to take off his uniform,” the President repeated. “If he’s worried about what to wear, he can just wrap himself in the flag. That’s what I do.”

The naked emperor strikes back

In a move designed to signal some possibility of a compromise with Mrs. Bhutto’s demand that he remove all his clothes and appear in public naked, President Musharraf has told Assistant Secretary of State John Negroponte that he “may appear “ without his uniform much later on, but not before he has arranged for a tummy tuck. In a letter to Negroponte leaked by sources within Mr. Musharraf’s inner circle, Musharraf states that the main reason he has refused to disrobe before now has been that he is self-conscious about his appearance in a bathing suit. “Since that is the case,” the document goes on to explain, “just think how much more uncomfortable the President would be to appear entirely unclothed, as Mrs. Bhutto is demanding.” The document remains vague about any timetable, but estimates that the earliest Mr. Musharraf could agree to appear in public naked would depend on his ability to schedule the required cosmetic work, plus additional time for the swelling to go down and an unspecified period devoted to “working on his abs.”
Opposition parties have been outspoken in their rejection of the suggested procedure, characterizing it as nothing more than a bid to stall for time. “We cannot just wait around for Musharraf to develop a six-pack,” Mrs. Bhutto insisted in a speech to supporters. “Believe me, even with a subscription to Bally’s he’ll never be another Schwarzenegger.” Mullah Abdullah Nasrullah of the Baluchistan Revolutionary Front, or BaRF, was unusually scathing in his response. “Just wait and see,” Nasrullah sneered. “Next he will say he needs to wear his new wing-tips because the ground in Pakistan is so stony. Then he will say he needs supp-hose because of the varicose veins in his legs. Before long, he’ll be right back in a three-piece suit, complete with matching tie and suspenders!” And suspicions in Pakistan have not been helped by the rumor that Mr. Negroponte presented the President with a ten million dollar gift certificate to Jos.A.Bank.

Bhutto Escalates Her Demands

Benazir Bhutto, in a move her allies describe as striking a blow for democracy in Pakistan, has escalated her demands on President Musharraf. Before, Ms. Bhutto said, “it was sufficient that President Musharraf merely took off his uniform. Now he must undress completely.” News of the new demand comes immediately after Mrs. Bhutto’s stated refusal to serve underneath Musharraf. “I want to be on top once in a while,” said Mrs. Bhutto. She did not elaborate further, but a spokesman for her party, speaking on background, offered some additional analysis. “People have been saying for the longest time now that the emperor has no clothes. If President Musharraf begins to go around naked, then political reality and popular perception will come back into line, and we will at least respect him for his honesty”. This spokesman rejected several proposed compromise ideas, such as the one by Mr. Musharraf’s proctologist that it would be OK for the president just to strip to his shorts. “He has to go all the way this time. No political strip-tease for once“. The spokesman declined to speculate, however, on whether Musharraf’s bushy head of hair was in fact a large toupee.
In the U.S., The Bush administration appeared to be taken by surprise by Mrs. Bhutto’s new position, and an apparent gap seems to have opened up between the State Department and the President. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has issued a statement that “under no circumstances do I ever want to see President Musharraf without his clothes on. Preferably, all of them”. Asked to clarify her remarks, Ms. Rice merely added, “Ick”. President Bush, however, seemed more open to the proposal. Speaking to reporters as he left for a long vacation at his ranch in Texas, the president stated, “I’ve already seen him that way in the White House locker room. Heck, Dick [Cheney] and I even snapped towels at his saggy butt.”