Heart of Dogness

Republican candidates have been drawn into the controversy about Congo’s Law, a proposal in New Jersey to give judges wider leeway for mercy when evaluating dangerous animals. The law has been proposed in response to the case of Congo, a Princeton, New Jersey German shepherd condemned to die as a “vicious dog” for his attack on a Honduran landscaper.
While John McCain and Mike Huckabee have refused to comment, Huckabee pointing out that while the Bible does cover landscaping in the Book of Genesis, it gives no guidance on dog handling, the other candidates have already weighed in. Rudy Giuliani claimed that when he was mayor of New York, the number of attacks on Hondurans by German Shepherds declined by one hundred percent. “Not a single Honduran was bitten when I was Mayor, not even by a Yorkshire Terrier,” Giuliani stated proudly. Duncan Hunter declined to endorse the law, but attributed the problem to New Jersey’s strict gun laws. “If that Mex boy had him a Ruger up in his pickup, this never would have happened,” Hunter declared. Similarly, Ron Paul stated his firm opposition to new laws of any kind, while Fred Thompson stated that it was a private matter. “We are well past the day when a German shepherd could bite a person of color in public,” Thompson said. “But on private property, well, that’s another matter.”
Only Tom Tancredo expressed outright enthusiasm for the law, stating that any dog that bit an immigrant was a hero in his eyes. Tancredo not only approved of the law, but he called on the Governor of New Jersey to pardon Congo, and said that he would nominate the dog for the Medal of Freedom. “The only thing that bothers me is that his name, Congo, doesn’t sound very American,” Mr. Tancredo said. Mitt Romney, who waited until the other candidates had spoken before making any remarks, issued this statement through a spokesman: “It’s bad for dogs to bite. On the other hand, Mitt is concerned that if they do not pass this law, Princeton may become a sanctuary suburb where illegal immigrants can taunt American dogs and get away with it.”
Finally, President Bush, when asked what he thought Congo might say if he could speak, clenched his teeth as if talking through a muzzle and squeaked, “Arf. Please don’t kill me”.