Republican Candidates Race to the Bottom, but the Audience Gets There First

For anyone who missed the CNN Republican candidates’ debate last night, Here it is, boiled down to its essentials. As in the CNN Democratic debate, the audience played a significant role, so their contribution has been included. In many cases, not all candidates answered the questions, but their thoughts were apparent and have been included for your convenience, in brackets.

Question Number One, from Earyl in Rounders Bend, Montana:
EARYL (drooling, holding up his pants with one hand while playing with the safety of a Desert Eagle with the other): Which one of you pilgrims has got the biggest piece? And are you gonna mess with my rights to carry this one? Don’t worry, (giggles) I haven’t shot up the schoolhouse yet.

DUNCAN HUNTER: In the American tradition, I am armed to the teeth. So is my family. My little grandson, he’s so cute, you should see him with his twenty-gauge that his Mamma gave him.
MITT ROMNEY: My sons have guns! My sons do! Three of them! Guns, that is. I love guns! Guns are great! Guns …
MODERATOR: Time’s up!
MITT ROMNEY: …Guns !
RUDY GIULIANI: Guns? I don’t need no stinkin’ guns. I am Rudy damn Giuliani, and you had better watch out.
TOM TANCREDO: [When are they going to ask about immigration? When?]
FRED THOMPSON: Boy, you don’t get to see my piece. Only mah waf gets to see that big boy!
AUDIENCE: Laughs, scattered boos.
RON PAUL: [ ~sigh~ These sub-cretin anti-intellectual yahoos never stop yammering on about their guns. Why don’t they just read None Dare Call it Treason? That explains everything.]
MIKE HUCKABEE: As the only bona-fide Christian minister up on the podium, I am armed with the Bible.
JOHN MCCAIN: [Why am I up here? When can this be over?]

Question Number Two, from Earryll, in Apocalyptic Revelation, Alabama:
Earryll (staggering back and forth in front of the camera and struggling to hold up an enormous Bible): I have a question, which if answered properly, will unlock the secrets of the Universe, and all of you had better get it right or God will punish you. What is your interpretation of the Whore of Babylon?

AUDIENCE: Roars of approval, menacing foot stamping.
DUNCAN HUNTER: I read the Bible every day to my family. And the whore of Babylon, obviously, is Hillary Clinton.
AUDIENCE: Laughter, shouts of agreement.
MIKE HUCKABEE: I believe in every word that’s in the Bible, literally. Except the part about plucking out your own eye. I don’t go there.
MITT ROMNEY: I believe in the Bible too, including the part about plucking out your own eye! In fact … (tries to pluck out his own eye, is restrained by moderator and Rudy Giuliani).
RUDY GIULIANI (breathing hard): Whew. I carry a bible with me everywhere. Under my shirt. In case one of my ex-wives or children takes a shot at me.
FRED THOMPSON: I have the words of the good book tattooed all over my private parts. But I’m not gonna show you, ‘cause they’re private.
TOM TANCREDO: [When are they going to ask about immigration? When?]
JOHN MCCAIN: [Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
RON PAUL: [ ~sigh~ These sub-cretin anti-intellectual yahoos never stop yammering on about their Bibles. Why don’t they just read Protocols of the Elders of Zion? That explains everything.]

Question Number Three, from Earryylleene in Flashback, Nevada:
EARRYYLLEENE (sitting primly with hands in lap): I would love to get a job mowing lawns, scrubbing toilets or cutting up dead chickens in a smelly factory, but I can’t get hired because of all these Mexicans everywhere. How quickly will you throw them out? Also, if I get an abortion, which one of you will punish me the hardest?
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
TOM TANCREDO: [At Last!]
FRED THOMPSON: That’s a two part question. I don’t answer two part questions.
RUDY GIULIANI: When I was mayor of New York, I ratted out thousands of illegals to the federal government…
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
RUDY GIULIANI: Thanks. But the federal government never deported any of them.
AUDIENCE: Boos, Jeers, small objects thrown.
MITT ROMNEY: When I was governor of Massachusetts, I was as mean as can be to immigrants! I wouldn’t let them go to school or hospitals or drive a car!
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
MITT ROMNEY: Thanks! But the liberals in my state would not let me waterboard them!
AUDIENCE: boos, jeers, Chairs thrown.
MITT ROMNEY: (pointing) Aa-and that guy, Rudy, he operated a sanctuary city!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Giuliani.
RUDY GIULIANI: (pointing back) Well, Mitt, you ran a sanctuary mansion!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Romney.
MITT ROMNEY: (pointing) Aa-and that other guy, Huckabee, he ran a sanctuary state and had a sanctuary in his church!
AUDIENCE: Boos, jeers, fists shaken at Huckabee.
MIKE HUCKABEE: Well, now, let’s remember that we are all children of God.
AUDIENCE: Weeps, kneels, prays. Stars and Bars waved.
MODERATOR (coming out from behind RON PAUL, where he has been crouching): Let’s get some of the others in here for comment. And thanks to the audience for being so lively.
DUNCAN HUNTER: I’ve already taken the first step by putting up a huge honking fence between my district and Mexico. It’s got two walls, a road in between, watchtowers with machine gun mounts. When I am president, I will extend this wall around the entire United States, including Alaska and Hawaii. We’ll also have to mine the harbors and flood all the fields, in case the immigrants try to parachute in.
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
TOM TANCREDO: I just want to say how happy it makes me to see everyone up here trying to out Tom Tancredo Tom Tancredo in being harsher and more bigoted toward immigrants than Tom Tancredo. But it is just not possible. Sorry!
AUDIENCE: Roars of approval.
JOHN MCCAIN:[Why am I up here? When can this be over?]
RON PAUL: I am the only candidate up here with a workable, constitutional solution to this problem. It’s obvious if you read the “Proceedings of the Tri-lateral Commission” that these 12 million Mexicans are agents of a foreign power. So the solution is to give them all citizenship…
AUDIENCE: Jeers, boos, chairs thrown, fists shaken, weapons brandished.
RON PAUL: Wait, wait… and then try them all for treason and execute them!
AUDIENCE: Wild applause. Frenzied dancing in the aisles. Pistol shots.
MODERATOR: Well, we have time for just one more question. Traditionally, it’s lighthearted, so…
Question Number Four, from Sal, in Flatbush:
SAL: Yo, Rudy! What’s up with rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series?
RUDY GIULIANI: I am a Yankee fan first, an American League fan second. So if the Yanks don’t make it to the series, I root for the AL team, Sal.
MITT ROMNEY: And in Massachussets, we hate the Yankees! Hate ‘em like sanctuary cities! Go, Sox!
AUDIENCE: Dead silence.